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SPORTS
> COLUMNISTS
Fans under the microscope
I've probably attended over 10,000 games in my lifetime and I'm still constantly amazed to this day by what people wear to them, what they bring to them and how they conduct themselves.
Take, for instance, the five or so rocket-science dr opouts from MIT, sans T-shirts, that want to spell out their team's name, their girlfriend's name or the letters I-D-I-O-T-S on their chest in sub-freezing weather. They also wear paint on their faces to disguise who they really are in case the camera pans by them.
They look even sillier with a sloppy version of the team's mascot adorned on their head in the shape of a beanie. Yet they continue to stand the entire second half until they're cutoff from beverages later in the game.
You also have the air horn guy who seems to think he can stay in tune with every song blasted over the public address system, the drum people who have never heard of Excedrin and Sammy the Scorekeeper who's keeping track of every pitch, hit, foul ball, trips to the bathroom, number of times the cotton candy guy came down the aisle and also tries to accurately guess that day's attendance.
What about the group who starts the chant "Let's go (whoever)?"
Now, once or twice an inning, a period or a half is okay. Doing it 756 times in the course of a game is more than a little annoying.
I laughed at a guy wearing a hat shaped like a beer mug, a woman knitting during a Sharks game and the poor soul who had to kiss his mother-in-law as the kiss cam focused on him. I'm tired of YMCA and now that I've finally figured out how to make the letters, let's move on to something new that I don't need a geometry degree to participate in.
Yeah, after all these years, I've witnessed girls streaking over the ice at a hockey game, an outfielder in Los Angeles save the American flag from being burnt and a former player of mine going into the stands at Wrigley Field to get his hat, triggering a melee that is encased in ESPN highlight archives forever. Nowadays, though, I'd just rather watch youth sports and relax. And let me tell you, I've found a way to do it in style.
I located an obscure Web site that outfits you for a youth sports contest by the name of, "We've got you covered for a youth athletic contest day or night from head to toe dot com." Forget the fact this package costs more than $5,000.
I'm tired of all the days of sweating, freezing, being thirsty, getting blown away, no food and sitting on grass that is wet or bleachers that require a Monday morning trip to the chiropractor. No more!
My package came with a mini U-Haul storage. Enclosed inside was my 323 page instruction manual in five languages.
First glancing inside the container I noticed the chair. Not just any chair, though. It came with seat warmers, a sunflower seed dispenser for both getting and disposing of shells, cup holders, a spray bottle holder for hot days, a recliner, a place for discarded newspapers, and a camera stand so I don't have to get up to take any more pictures. Delving deeper I found an umbrella and a pop-up gazebo, complete with misting hookups for hot days and a heater for cold days. A zipper screen was also included for tournament days in the Central Valley when flies become a nuisance. Included in my package was the portable refrigeration unit complete with a cooler, walk up refreshment stand and outside temperature gage so I could figure out if it was a soup and hot chocolate day or snow-cone heaven.
In the manual it even included information as to what to wear depending on the forces of nature and it informed you to outfit yourself with shorts and tank top or sweatshirt and parka.
I guess I'll just slap on some sunscreen from my handy dandy kit, pick out my spot for today's contest, unload my U-Haul, take out my air horn, put on my mascot hat and start a chant, "Let's go River Cats."
As long as the paint from my chest doesn't drip and I don't have to stand for any dumb song I should be able to enjoy the day.
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Rich Taylor
Rich Taylor is the owner, head instructor and CEO of California Pitching Academy. He is a former pitching coach at Pepperdine University and Chicago White Sox scout. He founded the West Coast Baseball School. He has more than 20 years of youth coaching experience and wrote the book “Molding the Young Pitcher.” His regular column appears twice a month. Send him an email.
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