I was on the phone the other day, waiting to speak with my banker about the progress of the paperwork for my gasoline loan - I was pleased to stay on the line because my call is important to them and would be answered in the order in which it was received - and as the day slowly passed I started thinking about things that take a long time.
For example, Stonehenge took more than 1,000 years to build, but that's what happens when all your workers belong to a French labor union, and on the bright side it turned out to be a pretty cool monument, in a primitive muscular young- Brando sort of way. It took about as long, plus maybe a few centuries but who's counting, to complete the Egyptian temple complex at Karnak, but the end result was the biggest religious center in the history of the world; according to some guide books the entire Vatican could fit into the gift shop with enough room left over for the Republican National Convention. OK, I'll grant you the original architect didn't get to see much in the way of finished product but the final package has held up for 3,000 years, so the construction time bears some reasonable relation to the outcome.
On the other end of the scale the Palace of Versailles, usually regarded as the biggest, grandest, most insanely over-the-top housing unit ever created, was substantially completed after only 13 years of construction; obviously Louis XIV must have been employing illegal immigrants unaware of the rules on overtime pay, but since he was the government who would rat on him to the ICE? However he did it, he was able within the space of only a small portion of his own lifetime to elevate his main crib from a rustic hunting lodge to the French equivalent of the Bellagio (comparable fountains, no casino, snootier parking valets).
Then on a public-works planet all its own, the can't-quite-make-a-molehill-out-of-a-molehill project that puts the "pro" in "procrastination," we have the Llagas Creek Flood Protection scheme, which if read correctly is the name of a project intended to protect Llagas Creek's ability to flood any old time it feels a case of riparian incontinence coming on.
Now, quickly, let's review: Llagas Creek, while a perfectly honorable watercourse whose right to exist I have no wish to impugn, ain't exactly the Mighty Mississippi. It is, however, prone to flooding at the darnedest times, like when it's raining a lot and the people with homes and businesses nearby already have enough to worry about.
OK, now here's the part that truly takes your breath away: they've been at this flood-control thingy for FIFTY-FOUR YEARS, and it's only 60 percent completed. In other words, it's on a brisk aerobic pace to be completely done, finis, cut the ribbon, in 10 years shy of a nice round century. Fifty-four years? Are you freaking kidding me? Compared to this project DeBeers should change its slogan to "Diamonds Are Temporary." Such a thing doesn't even deserve the appellation "project;' it should be called the "Llagas Creek Flood Protection Occasional Visit." Fifty-four years? To tame 60 percent of a creek? You could have sent three first-graders out there with sand shovels and 54 years later they would have penned the Llagas in so tight there wouldn't be room for the second ell. Of course, they'd all be pushing 60 by now and I imagine they might have some back problems, and they couldn't possibly still be working with the same shovels, those things are only good for one summer, two at the most.
But that's not important; they'll be retiring soon and I'm sure they'll never go to the beach. What's important is, what the hell is going on here? Congressman McNerney is supposedly going to ask for an appropriation of a whopping $1.8 million to "move the project forward," which is approximately how much Iraq costs us in the time it takes General Petraeus to blink, so obviously teaching Llagas Creek some manners isn't anybody's budget-buster. So what gives?
I mean, it doesn't make sense: if the creek flooding is such a minor inconvenience that it's OK if it takes 90 years to fix it, then it's not worth any taxpayer money at all and why are we bothering? On the other hand, if flooding is a real problem impacting the area and damaging people's property and city streets and storm drains and such, let's see, how can I put it gently, respectfully: HOW CAN IT POSSIBLY TAKE NINETY YEARS TO CONTROL A CREEK?
Robert Mitchell
Robert Mitchell Robert Mitchell is an eccentric attorney who has been practicing general law in Morgan Hill for more than 30 years. Reach him at r.mchl@verizon.net.
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