OK, how many folks out there are interested in rethinking the wisdom of having all those super-early presidential primaries because they would decide the nominees by the beginning of February and save us all the protracted agony of interminable internecine party warfare? Remember back in the mists of history six months ago when the states were just short of engaging in fisticuffs over who could be first or close to first to vote? Remember the arguments here in California about how we were finally going to have a real influence on deciding who the nominees would be after always having our primary in June when it was all over but the shouting? Yeah, all that early primary bandwagon effect sure came off without a hitch, didn't it? Now the most important voting unit is likely to come at the very end of the process, and the kingmaker looks like a tossup between Guam and Puerto Rico, two places that don't even get to vote in November.
Just imagine if we had left our primary where it traditionally resided -- think we'd be having some influence now? Clinton and Obama'd be promising to build us highways to places we have no interest in going to, bridges over rivers we don't even have, school lunch programs personally catered by Wolfgang Puck, a bullet train in every garage; shucks, I'll bet they'd be offering each and every one of us a position in the Cabinet if we'd vote for them.
Now given the number of Democratic voters in this state that would necessitate a considerable expansion of the Cabinet, and I'm sure it would be hard to hold meetings, what with having to find dates that work for everybody's schedule, not to mention squeezing us all into that room in the White House. I mean, I've seen pictures and it's pretty big, but I think it'd be iffy just to get us all into that stadium where the Redskins play. And of course the new President who would be so beholden to us Californians if we hadn't moved the damn primary would have to create a bunch of new departments so we'd each have one to run, and he or she (notice we still haven't even picked a gender let alone a particular individual) will probably have to ask us to help with that, especially with he or she being so busy as I'm sure will be the case trying to get a handle on all the wars and the hemorrhaging economy and stratospheric gas prices and unaffordable food and sending out a search party to find where the Constitution went and all, so I wouldn't be surprised if we got to make up our own bailiwicks.
Myself, I'm thinking I'd like to be Secretary of Viewing the Situation With Sardonic Detachment. I like the sound of it, and at the risk of blowing my own horn I think I'm eminently qualified. I'm sure a lot of folks are going to do superficial stuff - this is California and it will be expected - so there'll be a Secretary of Warm Fuzzy Puppies and a Secretary of Making Sure People in the Express Checkout Line Really Have 15 Items or Less and a Secretary of Use A Leafblower Before 10 a.m. On Sunday, Go To Jail and a bunch of other departments of dubious necessity, but the truly important ones will inevitably bubble to the top where the power is, and I know mine will be among them.
I mean, this country is just stuffed to the gills with situations crying out to be viewed with sardonic detachment, and the absence of such a department is a prime reason for the multitudinous messes we find ourselves in today. You know the king's fool in "King Lear"? He's the only guy who gives the king the straight scoop, including telling his master right out that he's being an idiot, which he does at the drop of a hat because the king is an idiot a lot of the time but it's stuff the king needs to hear because people with a lot of power tend to get all egomaniacal and do stupid stuff when they don't have anybody telling them they're idiots.
Well, that would be me. When the Roman Senate awarded a thing called a triumph to a particularly successful general they gave him a big parade through town and everybody turned out and sang his praises and told him what a great guy he was, but the Senate knew that kind of adulation could give somebody a swelled head so they made a slave ride in the chariot with the conquering hero, and every once in a while the slave would lean over and whisper into the general's ear "memento more" which basically means "remember you're just a man." I'd be the guy whispering in the Big Chief's ear stuff like "You know this is a really bad idea" and "What, are you stoned? That's the dumbest thing you could possibly do, you moron." You know, things big chiefs need to hear even if maybe they don't want to.
Too bad we haven't had a Department of Viewing the Situation With Sardonic Detachment all along.
Robert Mitchell
Robert Mitchell Robert Mitchell is an eccentric attorney who has been practicing general law in Morgan Hill for more than 30 years. Reach him at r.mchl@verizon.net.
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