OK, folks, show's over. Time to stop kidding ourselves about the "temporary slowdown in the economy" the Prez has been hallucinating about recently. He may be out there on Planet Bush where Iraq is a war we are constantly winning but will never have won and where America is always financially strong, just ask the other countries who are busy buying it, but here on Earth the American economy isn't slowing down, it's circling the drain.
So we have to tighten our belts, family. You know, I've always wondered about the eternal currency of that phrase "tighten our belts"; it's asserted as a virtuous gesture of stoic sacrifice in tough times, whereas it's actually just a way of fooling yourself when you look in the mirror into thinking you're not starving. "Oh look, I'm not really gaunt, my pants must have just gotten bigger in the wash."
Nonetheless, tighten our belts is the phrase we're stuck with, so that's what we have to do. "Johnny, we're not going to be able to afford the top university you had your heart set on, so start looking into community colleges -- not attending, working there. Sarah, I'm afraid the new Mustang for your graduation is out; here's the want ads section, start looking for something pre-1987 in a Japanese subcompact -- no radio or a/c. Honey, we're obviously not going to remodel the kitchen this year, or take a vacation, and can we see if we can find some cheaper cat food, maybe go from Fancy Feast to Funky Feast?
Oh, and San Martin -- you can't become a city. Sorry; can't afford it."
"Aww, man, that's like so totally bogus. Come on, I've been working toward this for years and years -- I want to have my own place, my own city council, my own ordinances. Come on, please? I can collect taxes and repair the streets and hire a police chief and everything. You'll save a lot of money, I promise, you'll never miss me. I'll mind my own business, no loud parties, I've got lots of good ideas to fix the place up and make money; you'll be proud of me. Come on, Morgan Hill and Gilroy get to be cities, it's not fair."
"When Morgan Hill and Gilroy went out on their own things were much less expensive, and frankly, we weren't so protective of the family finances. You say you can make it independently, but what happens when your plans don't work out? We get stuck with the bills, and there's just not enough money to go around."
"Jeez, money money money. It's always about money with you -- what about my feelings, my independence? There must be a human rights violation here somewhere; I'm being held against my will."
"You're right, it is about money, but it's the taxpayers' money we're spending and we have to be cautious with it."
"But I've got taxpayers, or I would have if I got to be a city; why can't I spend their money?"
"Because we like to keep those taxpayers paying us. As long as they're ours, well, every little bit helps. If we let them start paying you instead of us and then you can't cover the overhead we get hit with a double-whammy. We can't reduce our tax revenues and increase our expenses at the same time -- only arrogant, clueless imbeciles would do that, and Bush."
"But you're not giving me a chance. You have to be patient, give it time to work, things are complicated but there's been real progress; the next six months will be critical but you can't just precipitously withdraw. I know there are serious challenges ahead and maybe more could have been done already but you have to understand that it's hard out there and the situation is hopeful but tenuous."
"When did you turn into General Petraeus? Look, now is not the time; the support among the grownups just isn't there. You have most of your life ahead of you, you can become a city some other time when everyone has lots more money than we need to collect from them. Then you can get a nice place of your own and everything will be fine. In the meantime, there's the front lawn to mow and the garbage needs taking out. Now be a good unincorporated area and do your chores; if you need me I'll be in the garage cutting more notches in my belt."
Robert Mitchell
Robert Mitchell Robert Mitchell is an eccentric attorney who has been practicing general law in Morgan Hill for more than 30 years. Reach him at r.mchl@verizon.net.
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