Diligent readers are no doubt still recovering from the sagacity shared with us by Mr. Ben Gilmore in last Tuesday's Times. Although, as he does in every single column he writes, he cannot refrain from delivering his Sermon on the Editorial Page with all the zeal of every True Believer of every religious persuasion who has ever come down the pike, he does propound a dramatic if totally preposterous idea, namely that God wants all California parents to immediately withdraw their children en masse from the largest public education system in the world. "Now, today," he says. Then afterward, when we suddenly find ourselves with millions of children standing around wondering what just happened Mr. Gilmore tells us God wants them all to either enroll the kiddies in Christian schools (not Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist or Jewish - just Christian) or "the very best alternative," just teach the kids themselves because with sufficient faith and study God will turn millions of overworked, overstressed parents, many with limited educations of their own miraculously into teachers qualified to lead our youth into the wilds of the 21st century.
Why should parents do this? The root of Mr. Gilmore's problem lies in the fact that the curriculum in public schools is too standardized, meaning they teach things he doesn't like. He strongly implies that if the system were "bottom-up" instead of "top-down" with autonomous local control of education all the locals would vote to establish Christian fundamentalism as their guiding light, but the evil bureaucrats in Sacramento are preventing this from happening. You know, I could have sworn that the major impetus for standardized education these days is coming from the Feds, in particular the No Child Left Behind Act sponsored by Dubya Bush, the darling of the religious conservatives. Most state systems including ours are attempting to resist the federal mandates because they're stupid, short-sighted and counter-productive, so while Mr. Gilmore is correct that the system is top-down the "top" isn't the secular demons in Sacramento, it's the faith-based moron in the White House where the Religious Right put him.
But no matter; Mr. Gilmore knows that the best way to educate your child is to do it yourself, and on this point he is very encouraging. "What then are parents to do?" he writes. "How can they teach without teacher training? If a benevolent God gives you a task to accomplish, it is out of His character to not provide the means to accomplish it." So true. And so since Mr. Gilmore says God says you should pull all your kids out of public school and since Mr. Gilmore says God says you should educate your kids on your own it just logically follows that you will be able to do it, although I must say that given all the public schools we already have with all their books and lab equipment and teachers and gym facilities already in place it seems like it would be more efficient for God to just work a miracle on what we have rather than throw it all away, but no mind; Mr. Gilmore says do it yourself and God will provide.
I can tell you another component of our wicked society that desperately needs the same approach for all the same reasons: Medicine. Yessir, talk about Godless bureaucrats and standardization, look no farther than standardized medicine with its HMOs, big pharmaceutical companies, medical schools pumping out cookie-cutter doctors telling us what pills to take to control our diseases, fixing our broken bones without so much as a by-your-leave, and God help us doubling our life expectancies - I mean, who gave them the monopoly on protecting our health? Verily I say, the paths of righteousness leadeth not to the drugstore, it leadeth to your kitchen, where you should be formulating your own medicines. Got high blood pressure, too much bad cholesterol, enlarged liver, maybe a touch of cancer? Well, shred your Kaiser card, buy a mortar and pestle, and start managing your own health as God no doubt intends.
I mean, come on people, we all watch the news. If you're taking almost any kind of medication at all there's a good chance it's actually manufactured (shudder) in CHINA, where not only does the FDA have next-to-no ability to inspect the product, but it's COMMUNIST CHINA, the all-gone granddaddy Evil-R-Us bastion of Godlessness. Think about it: the very pill you popped into your mouth this morning naively assuming it was beneficial to your health because some guy of unknown moral fiber with a standardized medical degree prescribed it could have been made by a person whose religious views are different from your own, and almost certainly different from Mr. Gilmore's. Is that what you want, to invade your body with potions whose creators worship a different Creator? Surely God doesn't want that; it's only logical.
Not a real whiz at chemistry, you say? Not to worry; God wants you to medicate yourself and your family. After all, you are the one person absolutely guaranteed to completely agree with your religious views. Therefore, God will provide -- if He can turn you into a teacher He can certainly turn you into a chemist. Now, as Mr. Gilmore wisely cautions, it won't be easy or without sacrifice; you'll have to study and do research and stuff, but you can do it. The health care system is a nightmare equal to the education system -- bad service, skyrocketing costs, inadequate attention to religion, it's all there. Your sacred duty is clear.
Oh, and you should also start sharpening up the kitchen cutlery -- you never know when your kids might need surgery.
Robert Mitchell
Robert Mitchell Robert Mitchell is an eccentric attorney who has been practicing general law in Morgan Hill for more than 30 years. Reach him at r.mchl@verizon.net.
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