MorganHillTimes.com | Will mavericks, 'change' candidates have a real debate?

Will mavericks, 'change' candidates have a real debate?

Oct 16, 2008
By Gale Hammond

By now you are probably hopelessly confused by the relentless presidential debates springing up on TV these days. And the issues? Oh, my! The war has taken a back seat to energy, which was pre-empted by health care, which has been usurped by the economy. Not to mention we all have pre-election heebie-jeebies after the recent roller coaster rides on the stock market. Now is it asking too much that the candidates kinda-sorta have a plan to get us out of this mess?

Something I'm sure you did not know is that some candidate debates were sadly never seen on national TV. Therefore, as a valuable public service, a crack investigative team of journalists consisting of, well ... me, has gone to enormous lengths to uncover a telling behind-the-scenes glimpse at the major parties' platforms via these obscure debates. And CBS, too late realizing their enormous blunder in firing Texas-born Dan Rather, has groveled shamelessly during this election season in reclaiming back to their network the folksy Rather to moderate. But don't quote me on this. Here, then, is a sample of what you missed of these "mavericky" debates:

Dan Rather: Senator McCain: being the senior candidate and older than a jar of Texas dirt, we'll start with you. Please outline for the voters what you will do to end the economic crisis.

McCain: Well, Dan, thank you for that question. And it is a very good question, my friends. I want to point out that before my opponent was even a glimmer in his daddy's eye I was reaching across the aisle to my friends in the Senate warning them about this impending crisis. Yes, my friends, people called me a maverick because I knew about this crisis before anyone else. And using my vast experience I will work across party lines to ease the financial burden on all Americans.

Rather: Senator McCain, you'd have to be dumber than a box of hammers to expect voters to believe you were warning Congress about this economic crisis before 1961 when Senator Obama was born.

McCain: Thank you, Dan, for pointing that out. My friends, I have sound economic policies that have not made me popular among members of my own party. I've been called a maverick by my fellow senators but let me repeat, my friends that, unlike my opponent, I will put aside political partisanship in order to...

Rather: Thank you, Senator McCain. That's all the time we have for your question. Turning now to Senator Obama. Senator, the recent economic bailout had an initial negative effect on the economy. In fact, in terms of healing the economy, the "rescue plan" seemed about three beans short of a burrito. Senator Obama, tell us how you would end the financial crisis.

Obama: Well, Dan, first of all I thank you for your question. I believe our country is ready for Change and...let me promise this right now: We'll make Changes on a fox; we'll make Changes in a box. We'll make Changes on a boat; we'll make Changes to a goat. We'll make Changes for a cake and we'll make Changes on a lake. Wait until you see all the major Changes we will make!

Rather: Senator Obama, that promise is about two sandwiches short of a picnic.

Obama: Well, Dan, thank you for your excellent observation. And ... let me say, too, unlike my opponent who has been using the same old politics as usual, I am ready to bring this country together. Now ... I will bring people to the store, and I will bring people to the door. I will bring people to the grass as John McCain falls on his...

Rather: THANK YOU, Senator Obama, we are all out of time. Now let's join the vice presidential debate already in progress.

Governor Palin: So, Joe, you don't mind if I call you Joe, do you? I just love the name Joe. I dated a guy in seventh grade we called "Joe Cool" and he was just an ordinary guy like most of us folks in Alaska. But come Inauguration Day when Senator McCain and I are ridin' around in that big old limo with the sun roof open and John McCain gets sworn in as president you betcha I'll be getting' my hair messed up just blowin' in the wind ...

Senator Biden: Governor, I don't know how you do things in Alaska but let me tell you that Joe Biden doesn't take it for granted that this country is going to give your party another four years of a failed administration, and Joe Biden has been around long enough to know that it won't be...

Governor Palin: Ya know, Joe, I was just thinkin' the other day about how all of us soccer moms could get together and throw a big picnic for President Bush as he leaves office and Todd and I can bring hotdog buns and Barack can grill up some wieners and we'll have Kool-Aid for the kids and we'll all be drinkin' and visitin' with each other and then all the senators and I can plan a fishin' trip. Bein' a Washington outsider I want to get right in there and pal around with the Senate and what's better than a big ol' fishin' trip? So what d'ya say, Joe? Joe?

Dan Rather: It appears Joe Biden has just pulled the plug on Governor Palin's microphone. I'm telling you these debates would give aspirin a headache. So let's get out the vote, folks, because this election is turning out to be hotter than a Times Square Rolex.

And now back to your regularly scheduled newspaper.

Gale Hammond is a writer and a freelance photographer who has lived in Morgan Hill since 1983. Reach her at galehammond@aol.com.

Gale Hammond
Gale Hammond is a writer and freelance photographer who has lived in Morgan Hill 24 years. Reach her at GaleHammond@aol.com.