Well, friends, things are heating up. Barack and Hillary draw lines in the sand and the other one crosses it. Meanwhile, in the never-ending primaries that have slid into overtime, voters search for the perfect candidate, sifting through helpful (we wish) information proliferating from the two Democrat party hopefuls during this decade, er…year of political campaigning.
Like your candidate to be a regular guy or gal? Be able to knock back a couple of shots before a State of the Union address? How about bowling? Should the Prez be able to roll something respectable rather than repeated gutter balls? Well, shoot, I don't know the answers to really tough questions such as these because - call me crazy - I just never realized how important such activities are to the office of president although I should have gotten a clue four years ago when John Kerry appeared in some particularly fine hunting attire to go knock off a few ducks or some such.
You know, flipping pancakes, kissing babies and the like are all really nifty to show oneself off, but does anybody actually buy the fact that a candidate is at home in bowling shoes or plopped at the counter of a diner while peeping out from behind a stack of waffles or bellying up to the bar to knock back a shot or three? I'm afraid I'm one of those picky voters that would actually like my candidate to speak up and say - "Hey! Something is mighty stinky in this here Capitol and I aim to do something about it!"
I know this sounds strange, but I would like to hear something substantive from our candidates about issues. Instead, we get debates where everybody goes all tit for tat and not a whole lot else. Debates used to be a good way to winnow out the weak from the strong. But it appears we'll have to wait awhile for an actual Democrat-Republican debate. Republican John McCain can't very well debate both remaining Democrat hopefuls. Instead, he is content for the moment reminding us he's one tough cookie and older than dirt.
Meanwhile, "The New York Times" criticized Clinton for taking the "low road" on the bid for Pennsylvania, leading me to think Barack and Hillary are "this close" to scheduling a mud-wrestling match-up. It would give us the opportunity to see "Hill-The-Thrill-Clinton" and "Obama-Yo-Mama-Rama" duke it out in a way that wouldn't be much messier than what we've already witnessed. Barack refers to Hillary as a Washington insider playing games and using "slash and burn" tactics. Hillary warns voters to look beyond Obama's "whoop-dee-do" speeches and start "thinking." Huh? According to the, like, six gazillion national polls out there, "educated" and "higher income" folks are voting for Barack; so is Mrs. Clinton saying these educated voters are unable to think?
Meanwhile, McCain's disclosure that he is older than dirt has set off a jolly round-up of a myriad of items that McCain really is older than such as Batman and Superman, nylon, jet engines, Micky D's, Burger King, and Tupperware.
But back at Camp Hillary, the senator got fired up at Obama because he was unhappy that some 45 minutes of a recent debate were burned up with personal attacks and no actual issues were addressed. Issues? You mean there are issues? I must have missed that because I've been so busy keeping up with such pressing concerns as what Obama meant when he said people who fall on hard times are "bitter" ("Bittergate") and concern over his 20-year association with a loose cannon of a preacher. "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen," quipped Mrs. Clinton in a real thigh-slapper moment of fun the next day.
And then Obama made it clear that he was not, had never and would not ever stoop so low as to call Mrs. Clinton on her "mistake" when relating the story of dodging sniper fire in Bosnia on a visit there as first lady. News organizations had a field day with old footage of Mrs. Clinton and daughter Chelsea, wreathed in smiles while strolling leisurely off their plane, shaking hands with officials and pausing to enjoy a poem read by a child waiting amongst the official greeters. Whew! Can you say "credibility problem?"
OK, so we've learned that we aren't going to get the perfect candidate this election year. We've also learned that John McCain is older than Velcro, the modern toothbrush, polio vaccine, the Golden Gate Bridge, cake mix (although I think I have some in my cupboard that is at least as old as Jimmy Carter), FM Radio, microwave ovens, transistors, and the hula hoop.
Meanwhile, the Democrats battle on. As a valuable public service, here is a partial transcript of a debate between the Democrat candidates when, due to an unfortunate scheduling incident, the two opponents met accidentally on a railroad platform during their recent whistle stop campaign tours through Pennsylvania:
Barack: "I would like to point out that I would make a better president than my opponent because I'm a heck of a basketball player. Anyway, Mrs. Clinton has been wretchedly driven to the bottle as we witnessed the other night on TV when she did shots with some Pennsylvania good old boys. Furthermore, her perfume is stinky."
Hillary: "My opponent doesn't deserve to be president because he's a big fat creep."
Barack: "I know you are but what am I?"
Hillary: "Shut up."
Barack: "You shut up."
There you have it, friends: meaningful arguments (although you probably shouldn't quote me on this) by the two opposing candidates vying for the honor of being on the Democrat ticket come November.
Meanwhile, in the interest of fairness and keepin' it real, I'd like to point out that John McCain is older than diet soda, radial tires, oral contraceptives, the Hindenburg, Dick Cheney, color TV, silly putty and Mr. Potato Head. Oh - and he's older than me. And that's a pretty strong qualification for a president if there ever was one.
Gale Hammond Gale Hammond is a writer and freelance photographer who has lived in Morgan Hill 24 years. Reach her at GaleHammond@aol.com.
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Plastic, paper bag ban considered
