Welcome to a helpful session with our resident expert on "zzzz's," Dr. Ima Sleep. As a public service of this column, Dr. Sleep will be taking questions from those plagued by a tragic loss of slumber since the "Government Agency of We Are the Boss of Sleep" (GAOWATBOS) determined it would be crazy fun to launch Daylight Saving Time three weeks early so this liberally-funded agency could have the benefit of laughing it's collective "bums" off.
The caring personnel of GAOWATBOS hope that by taking the advice of the renowned Dr. Sleep, you will be better able to move beyond the chronic crankiness you've experienced since losing an hour of your life on the second Sunday in March. Ready? Let's begin!
Q: Hhmmmmphhhhffff...Would you mind telling me why those idiots at GAOWATBOS made us go on Daylight Savings Time three weeks early? A: First, dear writer, it is "Daylight Saving Time;" you are obviously sleep-deprived or you would have recognized your error. Secondly, you are referring to the "Energy Policy Act of 2005," which was enacted because companies owned by Bill Gates and possibly Paris Hilton would save zillions of dollars by cutting energy costs, although in a disturbing trend, farmers are refusing to milk Bossie in the dark.
Q: But I can't go to sleep an hour earlier, Dr. Sleep; what can I do? A: Sleeping in a cool environment should help since a drop in body temperature induces sleep. Try turning your air conditioner up to the "I'm Freezing My Macaroons Off" setting and see if that helps.
Q: Now see here, Sleep! How does using all that power for my air conditioner save the country energy? A: Good question. Maybe you should write your own column. Ok, Dr. Sleep would like to point out if you moved to a frigid climate you could achieve a lower body temperature by sleeping in a snow bank.
Q: My spouse and I have trouble sleeping; she kicks like a coon in heat and claims that I snore. What can we do to get more sleep? A: Dr. Sleep hasn't encountered too many raccoons in heat so she is unable to address that particular issue but if your wife is kicking you she probably has a darned good reason such as you are snoring like Paul Bunyan's chain saw. I suggest you use a white noise machine to mask any unwanted sounds.
Q: Where did you get your degree, the Jessica Simpson School of Brain Surgery? Last night my wife plugged in the white noise machine, her electric mixer. That thing makes more racket than a roomful of drunken fraternity brothers. Not to mention I lost most of my little finger in the beaters when I got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. Now what, you moron? A: Ahem; there's no reason to get ugly here. Dr. Sleep has helped thousands obtain the rest they need without anyone resorting to violence. Perhaps you and your spouse should try sleeping on alternate nights.
Q: It's too bright in my room. What can I do to make it darker? A: Does Dr. Sleep have to tell you everything? For heavens sake, cover your windows. Purchase clothes pins to hold your curtains closed. Paint your windows black if you have to. Take any clock with an illuminated dial and throw it into a ditch. Learn to live with candlelight. If you have to get up at night, light a candle and take it with you. Just remember to blow it out before going back to bed unless you enjoy the bright red flashing lights of fire engines.
Q: My pillow has little sticky-outy things that poke me in the head all night, waking me up. And my mattress feels really lumpy. What do you suggest? A: First of all you need to throw away those old pillows. You're apparently under the mistaken assumption that a "feather" pillow is a good thing, but not in the case of such inferior material as turkey feathers, which is obviously what you purchased when you were out trying to save a buck. A good rule of thumb is to visit the highest-priced store in town and demand to buy the most expensive pillow they stock. If they don't stock pillows that cost at least $500 each, ask to see the manager. Your pillow should contain only the tiniest fluffs of down; the tuft count should be approximately 23 trillion. And if your mattress is more than six months old, buy a new one.
Q: But Dr. Sleep, my mattress is only two years old. How can I afford to buy a new mattress every six months? A: If you prefer to spend a third of your life on a worn out wad of straw, that's your problem but don't come crying to me about it.
Q: Gosh, Dr. Sleep, it sounds like you might be a little cranky yourself. Are you and Mr. Sleep getting enough rest? A: Now that's the kind of personal question I resent. I am a foremost sleep authority. I've been sleeping since birth and I know all the tricks of the trade. Have I questioned you about your personal life? Heck no! You can't imagine how tired Dr. Sleep gets when Daylight Saving Time rolls around and everybody's sniveling about lack of sleep. Do you think it's easy being a sleep expert? Well, it's not, I'll tell you that, buster. Why don't you try doing my job if you think it's so dang easy? Maybe my job is so easy that a first grader could do it. Is that what you're suggesting? This is exhausting. And good luck getting all those clocks changed! The clock in my car hasn't been changed since the Carter administration. Could the car manufacturers make at least one thing right for crying out loud? And another thing...
Q: Er...sorry, Dr. Sleep. I'll withdraw that last question. You get some rest now, you hear? A: @@X$#&#**&*!!!
Gale Hammond Gale Hammond is a writer and freelance photographer who has lived in Morgan Hill 24 years. Reach her at GaleHammond@aol.com.
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