Valentine's Day: think of it as the Super Bowl of gift giving - an event that puts even the most romantic guy's reputation on the line. One stinker of a Valentine's gift hangs around for years, much like a smelly fish. And unless you've chosen to wear your "Single Awareness Day" t-shirt on Feb. 14, you are by now drowning in a sea of confusion as you struggle to pick a romantic gift for your sweetheart. Sure, there's the traditional gift of flowers although cool dude that you are, you are looking for something much more clever. But don't even think about giving her anything remotely resembling a manure spreader or other lawn implements; trust me, your thoughtfulness will be terribly under-appreciated by your beloved.
So if this lover's holiday has you scratching your head at women and their legendary pickiness about Valentine's gifts, you're in the right place. First of all, abandon all thoughts of accomplishing your Valentine's Day shopping in a hardware store. Any hardware store. Yes, I know the more evolved ones sell items that are "feminine" in nature, i.e. water glasses, Crockpots and the like. But can your lady wear, smell or taste any of these items? No, and women like gifts that involve the senses. So no matter how much you're tempted to drive on over to the local hardware store to pick up that sprocket you need for your toilet gasket (or whatever) and get a little something for your love, remember this: hardware stores and Valentine's Day are mutually exclusive concepts.
Now when I say we women enjoy gifts that stimulate our senses I am definitely not referring to beer. This is another mistake guys make. They think anybody's idea of a dream date is snuggling up next to a keg on the couch with the remote control veering violently between hockey playoffs and Tiger Woods beating the pants off the entire pro-golf roster. But I am here to dispel that myth for good. If a girl claims to like this activity - run for the hills. She is either softening you up for the kill (a.k.a. "Commitment") - or she's totaled the car. Sorry to sugarcoat it, fellas, but that's life.
So what's a guy to do to please his sweetheart on Valentine's Day? If you want to get the good reviews for your choice of gift this year, listen up.
Leading the list of favorites for Valentine's Day is jewelry. Now there is an important caveat here that must be considered before crashing off all willy-nilly to buy a bauble. First of all - is this an attempt to get out of hot water? Then plan to take out a second mortgage on the house. Listen to me carefully here, boys: No girl that I've met is happy when the act of opening a gift is immediately followed by the words, "Doesn't it look real?"
The next gift candidate is somewhat controversial. It involves fur. The fact that furs require formerly living critters is where the controversy originates. Now my take on fur is this: if she loves fur but hates the idea of taking harmless little lives for the sake of vanity, the matter can be resolved in one of two ways. Option Number One: Buy second hand fur. This lets your girl off the hook because the animals are, technically, already deceased once removed, and the heartless woman that originally bought the fur bears the brunt of the blame. But if you think your sweetheart may be squeamish about the idea of used fur, consider Option Number Two: Make the animal an item on your Valentine's Day dinner menu. You don't hear anybody, except possibly Dennis Kucinich, griping about leather, do you? And why is that? Because we eat the meat of the animal (cow) and use its skin for leather. Therefore, when your girl opens her gift of a fur stole complete with the tail of the animal stuffed artfully into its mouth, you announce (while she is still speechless), "Good news, Honey! Mink burgers for dinner!"
Another romantic gift is chocolate. But please, guys, none of those cheap discount boxes of chocolates. Even if one piece is wrapped up in red foil, this does not guarantee a fine chocolate. I mean, no offense to fruit growers, but I get pretty ticked when I bite into a shiny dark chocolate candy only to find a mess of pineapple mush inside. And yes, there is a company that sells realistic "Chocolate Golf Balls" but I don't recommend this. To truly release your inner cupid, consider the Chocopologie by Knipschildt at $2,600 per pound and no; I am not making this up. The $250 dark chocolate truffle - with a French black truffle inside - must be preordered so there's no time to dawdle.
Now if my Valentine's Day survival guide hasn't yet sufficiently inspired you, I have one final recommendation: lingerie. But I warn you, this is tricky and not recommended for novices because to have a successful outcome, you must choose the exact correct size for your honey because being off even a fraction off will cause offense. I do not recommend either of the following strategies when purchasing lingerie: (1) asking the sales associate her size because she looks "similar" to your girl or (2) asking to be shown to a dressing room so you can try the garment on yourself in order to calculate adjustments "here and there." Warning: This never works. You may be able to gauge the square footage of your garage but trust me: you will be severely off in determining your sweetheart's size using this method. Finally, your choice of lingerie must not - I repeat - must not smack of sleaze. Tasteful is the watchword here. Tasteful is all about her. Sleaze makes it all about you. Enough said.
So there you have it, guys. With my helpful tips and some careful shopping you, too, will enjoy the most romantic day of the year. Or you could just learn to love sleeping on the couch.
Gale Hammond Gale Hammond is a writer and freelance photographer who has lived in Morgan Hill 24 years. Reach her at GaleHammond@aol.com.
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